and yet I breathe

the champagne, oh the champagne
what it allows, words cannot construe
it's sweet bubbly essence allows me to speak in a velvety language that the sober I cannot reach
the stillness of the night inhibits my windchimes from singing to me
yet i find solace in the lull of the city as the cars create the only wind that travels through my breadth
the words I search but never find
have found me on this torrid evening

Muchas gracias, Senor Neruda....

Poema 20

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche. 

Escribir, por ejemplo: «La noche está estrellada, 
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos.» 

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta. 

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche. 
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso. 

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos. 
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito. 

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería. 
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos. 

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche. 
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido. 

Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella. 
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío. 

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla. 
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo. 

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos. 
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido. 

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca. 
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo. 

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles. 
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos. 

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise. 
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído. 

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos. 
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos. 

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero. 
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido. 

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos, 
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido. 

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa, 
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

Stardust Memories

I'm not entirely sure what hurts more...losing someone you love or the forgetting of the love you had.  Sitting here listening to Stardust over and over hurts less but it has brought with it the realization that my heart is starting to heal.  In my heart I say, "NO!  Take me back to the yummy feelings I remember!"  but my head tells me this is part of moving on.  Throwing out the last of his shit really did what I needed it to.  Maybe that's why it took me so long to do it.  I didn't want to shut the door on a part of my life I cherished so much.  I didn't want to get rid of the memory because the pain in my heart at least let me know it was real.  Now it feels like a faded memory.  It has lost its shine and that shine is what gave me hope that I am not this needy.  That what I felt was what love is.....I digress.

I can't sleep.  The memory I had, I hold onto it.  At least I want to hold onto it and now it feels like there was nothing to hold onto.  Will I ever feel that way again?  That all-encompassing, breathtaking love I was so sure I had.  Is it even possible to recreate the bliss the first I love you brings?  Now I have to replace all those memories with new ones....doesn't seem right.  Trying to find strength in what remains is so much easier said than done sometimes.

I ramble as I light another smoke and try to make sense of who I was back then.  When love was new and shiny and I thought I had it all figured out.  I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground....

I'm jaded.  How can I ever let go like that again?  How can I trust myself enough to share that with someone?

I try to cry now and the tears just will not surface.  I feel hollow and a little cheated.  I feel a lot of things but more than anything, I don't feel sad anymore.  I wish I did.

I am learning.  I am growing.  Maybe that's the point.

the art of friendship

it's the tattoo i have on my right ankle

it's turning the doorknob around for you when they know you are going to stay at their house and your kid will try and escape if she hadn't done that

it's telling you he's just not into you.  and that's okay because it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you

it's telling you that your art isn't what they know it can be

it's telling you your ass does look fat in that dress

it's telling you your ass doesn't look fat in that dress

it's holding your hair back while you puke and then finding you a rubber band when they get tired of standing there too long

it's letting you vent about the most trivial bullshit on earth just because you need to

it's never judging you

it's telling you that you are better than you think

it's taking your keys when you've had to much to drink

it's being able to tell someone you aren't happy in your relationship

it's starting the day off with mimosas

it's tea parties and fancy hats

it's peeing in the yard

it's shotgunning beers

it's dancing until you are positive your legs will fall off

it's so you think you can dance

it's sharing with someone that you secretly love that cheesy new britney spears or beyonce song

it's letting you cry until you don't need to cry anymore

it's a big backyard with a hammock

it's hanging rope lights on a deck

it's furniture and art shopping

it's wanting to strangle each other when you've hung out for too long

it's not actually strangling each other when you've hung out for too long

it's knowing that if the world ended at that very second, you would be just fine spending your last moments with that person

it's realizing that the world will be a little darker when they leave it

it's telling you that you look pretty when you cry

it's accepting you for exactly who you are

it's babysitting for free

it's giving more than you expect to get back.

heed my words, people!  friends are the family you make for yourself so treat them like they are indispensable...because they are.  they make life easier and make your life shine brighter just being in it.  the basis of friendship is love.  so really, the two go hand in hand.  you can't be someone's friend if you don't love them.  it's the root of all we do...at least it should be anyway.

naked as we came

where can I find them?  the other mad souls?  they are all around us and nowhere to be seen.  they duck in and out of the light and only reveal themselves when they feel comfortable enough to say what I've been thinking this entire time.  there are some, I have found, who don't go back into the shadows, rather, let their emotions shine for all the world to see.  I struggle every day to keep myself in the sunshine.

so here I am, words full of passion and a head full of insecurity.  everything and nothing at the same time, a mindless speck in the chronology of time's inevitable path.  there is something painfully beautiful and deeply painful about that part of all of it.  but still I soldier on, searching for the other ones who hide nothing, and revel in the notion that no matter how different we are, we all leave this world the way we came into it....

The Promise of a Man

Today ended up being one of those perfect days that you weren't expecting.  In the course of trying to stay awake enough to be a mother, I stumbled upon the most beautiful energy I had forgotten was out there.  Spending time on the swing with my oldest friend and our children was the realest and happiest I've felt in a long time.  Had the world ended right then, where we were was alright with us.  There's something to be said about how uncertain the last day we spend on earth will be.  Taking the time to make sure that every moment you spend here makes you feel that happy is the only way you can wrap your head around having to leave all this behind at some point.  This place is pretty amazing.

Which made me start thinking about going to the Springs yesterday and the incredibly ungrateful gaggle of heathens that left all of their trash strewn about the shore and floating in the water I was trying to relax in.  Who would be so inconsiderate to sully my place of peace?  Those people, that's who.  It's rude and I will not stand for it.  And even as I walked around picking up their garbage (which definitely included a dirty diaper), I held this notion that these people had no idea how sacred that place is to me and it made me feel very sad for their children.  What we leave behind says a lot about who we are and those kids have hardly a fair shot at ending up being decent people with role models like that.  Take care of the world and people around you and everything that sucks about this world would be pretty close to not existing anymore.

In spite of all of this, I still carry this feeling that maybe one day, my hope in mankind will be restored....a girl can dream.

So, as I lay here on the pallet I've made for me and the boy, he is watching Shrek and I am listening to Mr. Neil Young on my headphones all while carrying this feeling that tomorrow may or may not be here when I wake up, but my smile most certainly will be.

Only love in this house

So I have decided that instead of continuing to express my sadness at the rate at which our society is deteriorating before my very eyes, I will focus on all the positive things that have happened to me in the last year to offset all the hate in the air right now:

My eyes changed color last year....it's the strangest thing.  I always wanted hazel eyes and now I got 'em!  Proof that if you stop taking shit from people, your eyes will stop being brown.

This morning, I put my belt I've had since right after I had Tristan on and whereas it used to be on the 4th hole, it is now on the first.  Bitch be gettin' skinny!  Hey-yo!

Tristan started talking more.....he has always had a mastery level of the word "no" but in the last 5 months, he has really started repeating more......note to self:  stop using the word "fuck" so much.

Tristan's hair grew back out which is awesome because his head is way too block-shaped to pull off a backyard sheep-shear buzzcut.  Not a good look on him.

I moved to the 78703 zip code.  Rockin' because now I can walk to go get a martini if I want to.   This has always been a dream of mine.  Plus I got a rad patio with a manfridge on it so I can be lazy and not have to come inside to get another beer.  Now if only I could put a bathroom out there.

I got rid of 2 pieces of baggage I should have a long time ago.  We will just say that losing about 400 pounds of asshole feels good.

My bangs grew out....and I learned how to french braid my hair in less than 5 minutes.

I finally got rid of those stupid sunspots so my tan is looking extra fly this summer!

My best friend from childhood finally came back into my life.  Missed that crazy girl.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will always be this short so I stopped wearing heels.

I got into the Journalism school at UT.

I got published more than 10 times last year.

I finally named my photography business something that wasn't generic.  This was huge---a big thank you to Robyn and Mattie for helping a sister out on that one (and Barton Springs for providing the beautiful setting for our brainstorming session).

I went to Barton Springs and found out what all the fuss was about.

Somebody got me a record player and now I can listen to Stardust as much as my little heart desires.

I hugged more, laughed more, loved more, sang more, danced more, created more, smiled more, conquered more, learned more, gave more and took less in the last year than I have in any others that I can remember.

Half Past a Freckle

I feel like I can't write as much as I need to.  I can talk all day long but writing gets tricky.  Ray Bradbury tells me to write at least one thing every day.  How exhausting.  As if having all these thoughts running through my head wasn't enough, now I have to express them coherently?  My brain says no thank you but my heart calls out to the old typewriter sitting in my dining room that I have yet to get a ribbon for.  It needs some use, as I can only assume that's what all the great writers typed on.  I envision some great masterpiece having been typed on that very machine and it makes me smile.  As if the ceremony of using something so archaic to churn out a piece of literature in this day and age makes it a little sweeter.  I think it does and I have to say I am in love with the notion.  Makes me feel like I am going back to something more honest and intimate.  All of this new technology that I use to express myself is almost too immediate.  The patience it takes to sit through the incessant clamor of the keys as they strike the paper is definitely something not everyone is born with.  I feel myself gravitating toward slower things, even noticing a shift in my speed at mundane tasks I used to rush through.

Maybe I finally came to the conclusion that as long as I'm living and breathing, there's not much that I will miss.  I should write about that.

As the days draws to an end

I find myself reevaluating every last thing in my life and for the first time, I can't find a single thing to complain about.  It truly is the most bizarre turn of events. Driving down the road today, I thought about many things.  I thought about how green the trees along Mopac are right now, how enchanting the the jasmine popping up everywhere smell, how springtime in austin is quite possibly the most fulfilling place to be.  I thought about my amazing friends and how they have become the family I have so longed for my entire life.  How I hope they know how much I love each and every one of them and I hope that I give them half of what they give me.  If I can accomplish that, I will die a happy woman, whether I meet Willie Nelson or not.

As the day drew on, and I picked up my beautiful little boy, I began to think about how all the choices I've made in life, good or bad, led me to that exact spot, driving down Red River blaring Ophelia as Tristan attempted to sing along and I came to the conclusion that I should have arrived at far sooner----I am exactly where I want to be.  Maybe I'm not where I thought I'd be or doing what I thought I'd be doing because, frankly, I never imagined doing half of what I'm doing now and if I look back to the girl I was when I imagined this scenario, I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground.  It's quite humbling to realize that no matter how much you try and try to be self-destructive, that little voice inside of you that tells you to follow your dreams and listen to yourself and no one else somehow manages to be the loudest one you hear. 

So as this day draws to an end, and I sit on my patio enjoying the breeze that speaks to me in a language only I understand, I am banking on the fact that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will feel precisely the same way, because I will choose to.

What every girl must do when a boy breaks up with her

It has come to my attention that through all my years of dating, this last break up has been the easiest.  Why, I ask myself?  Well, this is a multi-fold explanation.  I am so much smarter and confident that I've ever been and I am older and have seen more shit.  Plus I think I've already done every thing I'm NOT supposed to do so it is only inevitable that I would pull my head out of my ass eventually.  I have a child now and don't get to be so depressed for as long so this last one forced me to put on my big girl panties much sooner than I usually do.  Because I did not have the luxury of staying drunk and eating ice cream all day while I cried to friends, I came up with ways to make the transition from being in love to being alone a much smoother and less heartwrenching time.

1.  Throw away all the boy crap in your shower!  The last place you want to be reminded of your previous lover is when you're naked, and the shower is prime real estate for that very thing to happen.  I, like the good girlfriend I was, made sure my boyfriend didn't need to bring toiletries when he came to my house to stay and even bought that a-hole a toothbrush.  Needless to say, I threw all of it away (but not before I used the toothbrush to clean my toilet).  It made me feel good.

2.  Change your bed.  Since this is the place you probably made the most magic together, it's also the place that will make you miss him most.  Doesn't matter what you do, just change it.  Change your sheets or buy new ones.  Change your bedding.  Do anything that will make you feel like you are in a new space so you don't tie it to the memory of laying in bed with him at night talking about your future.....

3.  Change the artwork around in your house.  This serves the same purpose as changing your room.  It allows you to rejuvenate the stagnant energy that is bogging you down in the memories of your past.

4.  Smile every single day, no matter whether or not you have a reason.

5.  Leave inspirational notes around the house for yourself.  My favorite place is the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker.  That way, I could change it when I wanted to without killing any trees; plus, it was nice to get ready with a bit of poetry atop my head :)

6.  Cry while you drive down the road with the windows open while you listen to sappy love songs.  The more you do it, the more ridiculous you will feel when you realize the guy you were dating is nothing like the guy in the song.  If he was, you wouldn't have broken up.

7.  Watch "He's Just Not That Into You" at least once.  You'll know why.  Except for the part where Ben Affleck proposes to Jennifer Aniston.  That shit would never happen in real life....

8.  Find new hobbies.  The busier you are, the less time you have to spend at home feeling sad and lonely.  Feeling sad and lonely for too long really sucks and it's just not good for you!

9.  Drink with your friends when you can and try not to talk about your break up.  Give yourself a little time on this one but when done right, the aim is to get back to being yourself.  You had a life before you were someone's girlfriend!  you had shit to talk about before you started dating!!  If you don't shine a spotlight on him, eventually you won't even remember why he was there in the first place.

10.  Don't stay friends on Facebook!!!!  This is crucial.  Having the ability to stalk someone is never a good thing when you dated them.  No matter what you find on there, it won't be what you want.  You will overanalyze everything and give yourself false hope.  No bueno, dude.  We're all crazy enough without the help of social networking.  Do not add fuel to that fire. I stress this most probably......

11.  Stop fantasizing about getting back together.  A guy breaks up with you because he wants to, not because he just thinks it's 'not the right time'.  If they wanted to be with you, they would find a way to work that shit out.

12.  Lastly, only call your friends when you feel it is absolutely necessary.  The more you work through everything on your own, the quicker you can wade through it.

Today's events

There is at least one day in every person's life when they feel like everything they are doing is right.  There comes a monumental amount of clarity that comes with getting older and today was one of those days for me.  Not only is my job perfect for me, but I realized that just working where I work has given me the ability to connect with people who have the same views on life as I do.  It's like I found all the other people dressed up as bumblebees.  I think we're all here to learn from each other and share all the knowledge we can to make this particular state of being a little easier and getting the most of any situation you are presented with.  It's all happening.......

So now I need to get on top of my writing and bring it when I start performing soon.  So much knowledge to soak up all around us and sometimes, we are able to recognize it and act on it in exactly the correct way.  Life is all about paying attention.  Open your eyes wider than you can comprehend and you will be amazed at what you already have right there in front of you. 

Never be afraid to ask for what you want and go for it.  Never let yourself down and you will never let anyone else down, for your happiness radiates to all those around you and if you walk through life with a light inside you, others may need that light but they can never take away its source.

"A thousands candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.  Happiness never decreases by being shared."  ~The Buddha

That guy really knew what was really going on...........

No matter where I go in the world, I will never be thirsty

Posso avere un'altra birra

Mohu mít další pivo

mozhet u menya yestʹ drugaya piva

puis-je avoir une autre bière

mag ik nog een biertje

kann ich noch ein Bier

Is féidir liom beoir eile

posso ter outra cerveja

puedo tener otra cerveza

kan jeg ha en øl

Saisinko toisen olut

Kě wǒ hái yǒu yīgè píjiǔ

esetleg még egy sört

I może jeszcze jedno piwo

Ben başka bir bira olabilir

monday, monday

Decided to take Tristan to fly his new Toy Story kite yesterday at Butler Park.  He assumed the kite was a costume and refused to fly it so most of our time was spent with him walking around, kite draped over his body, showing everyone how cool he was.  He made sure to nod and comment to those who did not take enough notice as well.  I love that kid.  Oh, to be that young and so easily entertained again.  I'm learning to take as much joy in those small parts of life and find myself smiling more and feeling a little less weary every single day.

On the Road

No matter where I go, all roads lead me back to my home.  The home I’ve made with my son and the home that never disappoints me.  20 hours of quality time with myself on the road and the good energy I picked up along the way gave me the insight I needed to come to the following conclusions:

The drive from Charlotte to Nashville is amazing.  There is something about driving through the foothills of the Smoky Mountains that has the ability to cleanse your soul and give you the awareness of a higher power than all of us.  Something truly made all of that.

Every single one of us has the ability to be happy and love one another. 

We all have the power to make the decisions that will allow us to have a better purpose than to just make money and die. 

We can choose to be shitty to the people that love us or we can give in and just see what this life has to offer, which is limitless enchantment.  You have to let go of the people who don’t get that part, plain and simple.

It's easier to be yourself than it is to be anyone else.  Come as you are or don’t even bother knocking on my door.

Music harnesses the power to soothe any weary soul. 

Forcing myself to go to Auditorium Shores yesterday when I got back in town was a great decision on my part and even though I cleaned about a cubic inch of dust out of my ears this morning and I still feel completely dried out, I do feel alive.  And that is something even money can’t buy.

Always say thank you for the things people have given you and let the people you love know that you love them.  It keeps your mind clear and keeps you from looking like an asshole.

Burritos at a music festival can actually be exactly what you need sometimes...surprisingly.

My patio is the best one on Earth :)