Stardust Memories

I'm not entirely sure what hurts more...losing someone you love or the forgetting of the love you had.  Sitting here listening to Stardust over and over hurts less but it has brought with it the realization that my heart is starting to heal.  In my heart I say, "NO!  Take me back to the yummy feelings I remember!"  but my head tells me this is part of moving on.  Throwing out the last of his shit really did what I needed it to.  Maybe that's why it took me so long to do it.  I didn't want to shut the door on a part of my life I cherished so much.  I didn't want to get rid of the memory because the pain in my heart at least let me know it was real.  Now it feels like a faded memory.  It has lost its shine and that shine is what gave me hope that I am not this needy.  That what I felt was what love is.....I digress.

I can't sleep.  The memory I had, I hold onto it.  At least I want to hold onto it and now it feels like there was nothing to hold onto.  Will I ever feel that way again?  That all-encompassing, breathtaking love I was so sure I had.  Is it even possible to recreate the bliss the first I love you brings?  Now I have to replace all those memories with new ones....doesn't seem right.  Trying to find strength in what remains is so much easier said than done sometimes.

I ramble as I light another smoke and try to make sense of who I was back then.  When love was new and shiny and I thought I had it all figured out.  I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground....

I'm jaded.  How can I ever let go like that again?  How can I trust myself enough to share that with someone?

I try to cry now and the tears just will not surface.  I feel hollow and a little cheated.  I feel a lot of things but more than anything, I don't feel sad anymore.  I wish I did.

I am learning.  I am growing.  Maybe that's the point.