the champagne, oh the champagne
what it allows, words cannot construe
it's sweet bubbly essence allows me to speak in a velvety language that the sober I cannot reach
the stillness of the night inhibits my windchimes from singing to me
yet i find solace in the lull of the city as the cars create the only wind that travels through my breadth
the words I search but never find
have found me on this torrid evening
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Muchas gracias, Senor Neruda....
Poema 20
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Escribir, por ejemplo: «La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos.»
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.
En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.
Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.
Stardust Memories
I'm not entirely sure what hurts more...losing someone you love or the forgetting of the love you had. Sitting here listening to Stardust over and over hurts less but it has brought with it the realization that my heart is starting to heal. In my heart I say, "NO! Take me back to the yummy feelings I remember!" but my head tells me this is part of moving on. Throwing out the last of his shit really did what I needed it to. Maybe that's why it took me so long to do it. I didn't want to shut the door on a part of my life I cherished so much. I didn't want to get rid of the memory because the pain in my heart at least let me know it was real. Now it feels like a faded memory. It has lost its shine and that shine is what gave me hope that I am not this needy. That what I felt was what love is.....I digress.
I can't sleep. The memory I had, I hold onto it. At least I want to hold onto it and now it feels like there was nothing to hold onto. Will I ever feel that way again? That all-encompassing, breathtaking love I was so sure I had. Is it even possible to recreate the bliss the first I love you brings? Now I have to replace all those memories with new ones....doesn't seem right. Trying to find strength in what remains is so much easier said than done sometimes.
I ramble as I light another smoke and try to make sense of who I was back then. When love was new and shiny and I thought I had it all figured out. I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground....
I'm jaded. How can I ever let go like that again? How can I trust myself enough to share that with someone?
I try to cry now and the tears just will not surface. I feel hollow and a little cheated. I feel a lot of things but more than anything, I don't feel sad anymore. I wish I did.
I am learning. I am growing. Maybe that's the point.
I can't sleep. The memory I had, I hold onto it. At least I want to hold onto it and now it feels like there was nothing to hold onto. Will I ever feel that way again? That all-encompassing, breathtaking love I was so sure I had. Is it even possible to recreate the bliss the first I love you brings? Now I have to replace all those memories with new ones....doesn't seem right. Trying to find strength in what remains is so much easier said than done sometimes.
I ramble as I light another smoke and try to make sense of who I was back then. When love was new and shiny and I thought I had it all figured out. I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground....
I'm jaded. How can I ever let go like that again? How can I trust myself enough to share that with someone?
I try to cry now and the tears just will not surface. I feel hollow and a little cheated. I feel a lot of things but more than anything, I don't feel sad anymore. I wish I did.
I am learning. I am growing. Maybe that's the point.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
the art of friendship
it's the tattoo i have on my right ankle
it's turning the doorknob around for you when they know you are going to stay at their house and your kid will try and escape if she hadn't done that
it's telling you he's just not into you. and that's okay because it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you
it's telling you that your art isn't what they know it can be
it's telling you your ass does look fat in that dress
it's telling you your ass doesn't look fat in that dress
it's holding your hair back while you puke and then finding you a rubber band when they get tired of standing there too long
it's letting you vent about the most trivial bullshit on earth just because you need to
it's never judging you
it's telling you that you are better than you think
it's taking your keys when you've had to much to drink
it's being able to tell someone you aren't happy in your relationship
it's starting the day off with mimosas
it's tea parties and fancy hats
it's peeing in the yard
it's shotgunning beers
it's dancing until you are positive your legs will fall off
it's so you think you can dance
it's sharing with someone that you secretly love that cheesy new britney spears or beyonce song
it's letting you cry until you don't need to cry anymore
it's a big backyard with a hammock
it's hanging rope lights on a deck
it's furniture and art shopping
it's wanting to strangle each other when you've hung out for too long
it's not actually strangling each other when you've hung out for too long
it's knowing that if the world ended at that very second, you would be just fine spending your last moments with that person
it's realizing that the world will be a little darker when they leave it
it's telling you that you look pretty when you cry
it's accepting you for exactly who you are
it's babysitting for free
it's giving more than you expect to get back.
heed my words, people! friends are the family you make for yourself so treat them like they are indispensable...because they are. they make life easier and make your life shine brighter just being in it. the basis of friendship is love. so really, the two go hand in hand. you can't be someone's friend if you don't love them. it's the root of all we do...at least it should be anyway.
it's turning the doorknob around for you when they know you are going to stay at their house and your kid will try and escape if she hadn't done that
it's telling you he's just not into you. and that's okay because it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you
it's telling you that your art isn't what they know it can be
it's telling you your ass does look fat in that dress
it's telling you your ass doesn't look fat in that dress
it's holding your hair back while you puke and then finding you a rubber band when they get tired of standing there too long
it's letting you vent about the most trivial bullshit on earth just because you need to
it's never judging you
it's telling you that you are better than you think
it's taking your keys when you've had to much to drink
it's being able to tell someone you aren't happy in your relationship
it's starting the day off with mimosas
it's tea parties and fancy hats
it's peeing in the yard
it's shotgunning beers
it's dancing until you are positive your legs will fall off
it's so you think you can dance
it's sharing with someone that you secretly love that cheesy new britney spears or beyonce song
it's letting you cry until you don't need to cry anymore
it's a big backyard with a hammock
it's hanging rope lights on a deck
it's furniture and art shopping
it's wanting to strangle each other when you've hung out for too long
it's not actually strangling each other when you've hung out for too long
it's knowing that if the world ended at that very second, you would be just fine spending your last moments with that person
it's realizing that the world will be a little darker when they leave it
it's telling you that you look pretty when you cry
it's accepting you for exactly who you are
it's babysitting for free
it's giving more than you expect to get back.
heed my words, people! friends are the family you make for yourself so treat them like they are indispensable...because they are. they make life easier and make your life shine brighter just being in it. the basis of friendship is love. so really, the two go hand in hand. you can't be someone's friend if you don't love them. it's the root of all we do...at least it should be anyway.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
naked as we came
where can I find them? the other mad souls? they are all around us and nowhere to be seen. they duck in and out of the light and only reveal themselves when they feel comfortable enough to say what I've been thinking this entire time. there are some, I have found, who don't go back into the shadows, rather, let their emotions shine for all the world to see. I struggle every day to keep myself in the sunshine.
so here I am, words full of passion and a head full of insecurity. everything and nothing at the same time, a mindless speck in the chronology of time's inevitable path. there is something painfully beautiful and deeply painful about that part of all of it. but still I soldier on, searching for the other ones who hide nothing, and revel in the notion that no matter how different we are, we all leave this world the way we came into it....
so here I am, words full of passion and a head full of insecurity. everything and nothing at the same time, a mindless speck in the chronology of time's inevitable path. there is something painfully beautiful and deeply painful about that part of all of it. but still I soldier on, searching for the other ones who hide nothing, and revel in the notion that no matter how different we are, we all leave this world the way we came into it....
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Promise of a Man
Today ended up being one of those perfect days that you weren't expecting. In the course of trying to stay awake enough to be a mother, I stumbled upon the most beautiful energy I had forgotten was out there. Spending time on the swing with my oldest friend and our children was the realest and happiest I've felt in a long time. Had the world ended right then, where we were was alright with us. There's something to be said about how uncertain the last day we spend on earth will be. Taking the time to make sure that every moment you spend here makes you feel that happy is the only way you can wrap your head around having to leave all this behind at some point. This place is pretty amazing.
Which made me start thinking about going to the Springs yesterday and the incredibly ungrateful gaggle of heathens that left all of their trash strewn about the shore and floating in the water I was trying to relax in. Who would be so inconsiderate to sully my place of peace? Those people, that's who. It's rude and I will not stand for it. And even as I walked around picking up their garbage (which definitely included a dirty diaper), I held this notion that these people had no idea how sacred that place is to me and it made me feel very sad for their children. What we leave behind says a lot about who we are and those kids have hardly a fair shot at ending up being decent people with role models like that. Take care of the world and people around you and everything that sucks about this world would be pretty close to not existing anymore.
In spite of all of this, I still carry this feeling that maybe one day, my hope in mankind will be restored....a girl can dream.
So, as I lay here on the pallet I've made for me and the boy, he is watching Shrek and I am listening to Mr. Neil Young on my headphones all while carrying this feeling that tomorrow may or may not be here when I wake up, but my smile most certainly will be.
Which made me start thinking about going to the Springs yesterday and the incredibly ungrateful gaggle of heathens that left all of their trash strewn about the shore and floating in the water I was trying to relax in. Who would be so inconsiderate to sully my place of peace? Those people, that's who. It's rude and I will not stand for it. And even as I walked around picking up their garbage (which definitely included a dirty diaper), I held this notion that these people had no idea how sacred that place is to me and it made me feel very sad for their children. What we leave behind says a lot about who we are and those kids have hardly a fair shot at ending up being decent people with role models like that. Take care of the world and people around you and everything that sucks about this world would be pretty close to not existing anymore.
In spite of all of this, I still carry this feeling that maybe one day, my hope in mankind will be restored....a girl can dream.
So, as I lay here on the pallet I've made for me and the boy, he is watching Shrek and I am listening to Mr. Neil Young on my headphones all while carrying this feeling that tomorrow may or may not be here when I wake up, but my smile most certainly will be.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Only love in this house
So I have decided that instead of continuing to express my sadness at the rate at which our society is deteriorating before my very eyes, I will focus on all the positive things that have happened to me in the last year to offset all the hate in the air right now:
My eyes changed color last year....it's the strangest thing. I always wanted hazel eyes and now I got 'em! Proof that if you stop taking shit from people, your eyes will stop being brown.
This morning, I put my belt I've had since right after I had Tristan on and whereas it used to be on the 4th hole, it is now on the first. Bitch be gettin' skinny! Hey-yo!
Tristan started talking more.....he has always had a mastery level of the word "no" but in the last 5 months, he has really started repeating more......note to self: stop using the word "fuck" so much.
Tristan's hair grew back out which is awesome because his head is way too block-shaped to pull off a backyard sheep-shear buzzcut. Not a good look on him.
I moved to the 78703 zip code. Rockin' because now I can walk to go get a martini if I want to. This has always been a dream of mine. Plus I got a rad patio with a manfridge on it so I can be lazy and not have to come inside to get another beer. Now if only I could put a bathroom out there.
I got rid of 2 pieces of baggage I should have a long time ago. We will just say that losing about 400 pounds of asshole feels good.
My bangs grew out....and I learned how to french braid my hair in less than 5 minutes.
I finally got rid of those stupid sunspots so my tan is looking extra fly this summer!
My best friend from childhood finally came back into my life. Missed that crazy girl.
I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will always be this short so I stopped wearing heels.
I got into the Journalism school at UT.
I got published more than 10 times last year.
I finally named my photography business something that wasn't generic. This was huge---a big thank you to Robyn and Mattie for helping a sister out on that one (and Barton Springs for providing the beautiful setting for our brainstorming session).
I went to Barton Springs and found out what all the fuss was about.
Somebody got me a record player and now I can listen to Stardust as much as my little heart desires.
I hugged more, laughed more, loved more, sang more, danced more, created more, smiled more, conquered more, learned more, gave more and took less in the last year than I have in any others that I can remember.
My eyes changed color last year....it's the strangest thing. I always wanted hazel eyes and now I got 'em! Proof that if you stop taking shit from people, your eyes will stop being brown.
This morning, I put my belt I've had since right after I had Tristan on and whereas it used to be on the 4th hole, it is now on the first. Bitch be gettin' skinny! Hey-yo!
Tristan started talking more.....he has always had a mastery level of the word "no" but in the last 5 months, he has really started repeating more......note to self: stop using the word "fuck" so much.
Tristan's hair grew back out which is awesome because his head is way too block-shaped to pull off a backyard sheep-shear buzzcut. Not a good look on him.
I moved to the 78703 zip code. Rockin' because now I can walk to go get a martini if I want to. This has always been a dream of mine. Plus I got a rad patio with a manfridge on it so I can be lazy and not have to come inside to get another beer. Now if only I could put a bathroom out there.
I got rid of 2 pieces of baggage I should have a long time ago. We will just say that losing about 400 pounds of asshole feels good.
My bangs grew out....and I learned how to french braid my hair in less than 5 minutes.
I finally got rid of those stupid sunspots so my tan is looking extra fly this summer!
My best friend from childhood finally came back into my life. Missed that crazy girl.
I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will always be this short so I stopped wearing heels.
I got into the Journalism school at UT.
I got published more than 10 times last year.
I finally named my photography business something that wasn't generic. This was huge---a big thank you to Robyn and Mattie for helping a sister out on that one (and Barton Springs for providing the beautiful setting for our brainstorming session).
I went to Barton Springs and found out what all the fuss was about.
Somebody got me a record player and now I can listen to Stardust as much as my little heart desires.
I hugged more, laughed more, loved more, sang more, danced more, created more, smiled more, conquered more, learned more, gave more and took less in the last year than I have in any others that I can remember.
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